Robert De Niro, Bruce Springsteen, and Jane Fonda walked into a protest. No, this isn’t the setup to a joke — although it should be. These three crusty relics of a bygone entertainment era have been leading something called the “No Kings” rallies, where celebrities worth a combined two billion dollars lecture working Americans about the dangers of one man having too much power.

You can’t make this stuff up! A guy who co-owns 50 luxury sushi restaurants worldwide is out there screaming about oligarchs. Physician, heal thyself.

The best part? Even Californians — the most left-wing population in America — are sick of these people. A new UC Berkeley poll found that only 29% of Californians view Hollywood favorably. Nearly half say the entertainment industry has too much influence on politics. In the state that IS Hollywood. Their own neighbors can’t stand them.

De Niro, whose net worth clocks in at a cool $500 million, has been the ringleader of these protests. The 82-year-old led a march in New York alongside racial grievance entrepreneur Al Sharpton, telling the crowd it was time to say “no to King Trump.” He also whined that every morning he reaches for his phone and gets “depressed about the latest outrage.”

Bobby, most 82-year-olds are reaching for their reading glasses and a bowl of oatmeal. Maybe try that instead.

Then there’s Bruce Springsteen — net worth approximately $1.2 billion with a B — who showed up in Minneapolis to tell everyone about “the power and solidarity of the people.” Bruce hasn’t been one of “the people” since approximately 1978, but sure, tell us more about solidarity from behind your security detail, Boss.

And Jane Fonda. She’s 88 years old now and still protesting things. At this point it’s less political activism and more of a hobby, like pickleball for people who hate America. Fonda read a letter at the Minneapolis rally because apparently even the protest organizers knew nobody wanted to hear Jane’s own thoughts.

The celebrity roster at these events reads like the clearance bin at a has-been convention. Mark Ruffalo. Susan Sarandon. Glenn Close — who posted a photo holding a sign quoting the Gettysburg Address, because nothing says “woman of the people” like an eight-time Oscar nominee who owns multiple multi-million dollar mansions across the country. 

John Cusack showed up in Chicago and rambled about “fascist authoritarian cosplay,” which is rich coming from a man whose last relevant film came out when flip phones were still cutting-edge technology.

But the award for Most Unhinged Celebrity Statement goes to Lea Thompson — yes, the mom from Back to the Future — who posted a video calmly explaining that “if 3.5% of a population protests in a sustained and peaceful way, it can topple authoritarian regimes.” She then cheerfully added, “I know this is math, but that’s only 12 million of us!”

An actress from an ’80s time-travel movie is casually calculating the threshold for toppling the United States government. Marty McFly would be horrified.

Meanwhile, the Writers Guild president is claiming that the brief suspension of Jimmy Kimmel’s show is proof that the administration is “silencing voices of dissent.” The “silenced” voices in question belong to people with multi-million-dollar network television contracts. If that’s what silencing looks like, sign us all up.

Several celebrities couldn’t even bother to attend the protests they were promoting. Bradley Whitford — the guy from The West Wing who apparently thinks he’s actually a White House staffer — encouraged people to march while admitting he was “out of the country working.” Jeri Ryan from Star Trek said she’d be “following along online.” Nothing says revolution like retweeting from your couch in Malibu.

The White House called these events “Trump Derangement Therapy Sessions,” which is honestly more generous than they deserve. The National Republican Congressional Committee went with “Hate America Rallies.” Both work.

Here’s what makes all of this so delicious. These protests aren’t growing — they’re shrinking, just like Hollywood’s audience. The Oscars drew 46 million viewers in 2000. This year? A pathetic 17.9 million, down another 9% from last year. America has been slowly but surely tuning these people out for a decade, and the celebrities respond by screaming louder into the void.

De Niro closed one of his speeches with his trademark eloquence: “King Donald the First. F*** that.” Inspiring stuff, Bobby. Really elevating the discourse there. Maybe workshop that one with your Nobu publicist before the next rally.

We genuinely hope Hollywood keeps doing this. Every time a billionaire musician or half-billion-dollar actor stands on a stage and lectures truck drivers and waitresses about “tyranny,” another thousand voters in swing states decide they’re voting Republican. These protests aren’t hurting Trump — they’re the best campaign ads he never had to pay for.

Keep marching, Hollywood. We’ll keep winning.